Step two: Love yourself and know it's not your fault
TOP TEN10 THINGS TO AVOID
#1- Sad movies.
NO. DO NOT watch The Notebook and cry over how ‘perfect’ their love is.
Watch movies you love and TV shows that are funny, or mindless.
What helped me?
-Movies-
Fired Up (2009)
Mean Girls (2004)
Jackass 2 (2006)
Band of Brothers (TV mini series, HBO, 2001)
-TV shows-
Friends
Family Guy
The Jersey Shore
The Real World
The Real Housewives
Any sport
(Just mindless, fun tv shows)
#2-Sad Songs.
Alright, yes. You’re sad, so why on Earth are you youtubing that stupid sad song, or that one song you two always listened to?
STOP IT NOW.
You’re nuts, mute that crap.
It’s not helping.
However listening to songs where the artist relates to you
(which can be sad but helpful if it makes you feel better.)
What helped me?
-Songs-
Taylor Swift, Forever and Always
The Script, Breakeven
Taio Cruz, Dynamite
You lost me, Christina Aguilera
Fix you, Coldplay
#3 The Facebook page.
NO. Just no. BLOCK immediately.
I know it’s hard to click that button, but do it.
TRUST ME!!!
Why?
-Looking at his/her page will not help you,
your anxiety probably increases and it never turns out well.
-Blocking is the best way to go because they cannot come up on your news feed through mutual friends and you will not be tempted to ‘stalk’ him/her.
-If they are appearing to get over it faster than you. And show it in status updates, talking on others pictures/walls or begin a new relationship (rebounds! page 6), you want to do everything in your power to avoid obsessively looking at their comments.
-No good will come from staying friends on facebook unless it was a clean, mutual breakup. Which if it was, you probably shouldn’t have to be reading this.
#4 Obsessively calling/texting them.
If you are even thinking about getting back with your ex, avoid scaring them away or overwhelming them with thousands of calls or text messages. Give them the space they have asked for, and give yourself time to think as well.
Things to avoid saying/asking
“I love you.” or “I’m still in love with you.”
Just don’t. Until you 100% know they still love you back. They don’t deserve to hear you say it, and if they are still saying it to you on phone conversations, then search that aspect and get to the root of the cause.Always be civil. Fighting can make the pain worse. Don't be afraid to say you have to go if things are beginning to get too intense.
“Do you have a new boyfriend/girlfriend or a new love interest?”
If you don’t want to know. Do not ask. If you know it will hurt you finding out they do. Do not ask. If it gives you false hope knowing that they don’t. Do not ask.
“Remember that one time...”
It’s not going to go well for the either of you. Sometimes memories aren't fun when feelings change. Try and learn to accept that.
(Usually. there are of course accept-ions for every case.)
How to avoid calling and/or texting-
-Delete their number.
-If you have the number memorized, call your cell phone company and get their number blocked.
-Delete past texts and/or voicemails that remind you of them, or say something sweet. DO NOT reminisce with someone who doesn’t want to reminisce.
-Delete temptations from your phone and computer emails.
#5 Keeping any significant items they gave you in your room.
If you don’t want to go as far as burning the items, or memories you share, then simply hide the items somewhere you know won’t be too much of a temptation to look through. Keep them hidden, possibly in a bag or a small suitcase or box.
What I did...
It took me a long time to gather courage to get rid of my ex’s stuff and certain memories I kept from the relationship. But, the second I had enough strength to throw the items away I did, and I haven’t missed them since. I DO NOT miss smelling his smell on his old shirts or seeing his letters to me. I could have been having the best day and that would drop me to an extremely low level of sadness. It was very freeing to get rid of his stuff, and gave me a sense of power and a say in the breakup.
#6 Talking to your ex’s close friends about it.
A friend is a friend. A bro will but his boys first and a girl will protect her friend before she will protect you. Sometimes they will lie to you, sometimes they will tell you a truth you never wanted to hear. And sometimes they will lie to your ex. This doesn’t mean stop talking to his/her friends for good, this can just mean, watch what you say around them and avoid digging too deep about your ex’s ‘new’ life. Do not let them go ‘media journalist’ on you. Putting false words in your mouth or possibly telling your ex out of context things you may have said.
Try not to tell their friends...
"I hate him/her."
"I will never ever go back to them."
"I’m completely over it"
"I’m still in love with them"
"I can’t live without him/her"
Get it?...Not alotta information about the breakup! Let’s not freak anyone out here, they may not understand what your relationship was or what you may be feeling right now.
#7 Being friends immediately after the break up.
When you are still in love, or still very hurt by your ex, being friends immediately after can often times ruin any chance of potential friendship in the future. If there are grievances, grudges or lingering strong feelings it can prevent a real friendship and cause tension and often times arguments and fighting. Yes, you may want to be around them still. But try to hang out with other people and avoid your ex for a little while until the stronger, emotional feelings subside.
--Tips--
-Do not expect too much from yourself. If you’re honestly not ready to be friends (even if you wish you were) do not push yourself and don’t be angry with yourself.
It’s okay.
-If your ex does the famous “But I still want to be friends, I really care about you and will always love you...Just not like that.” and you do not agree, or you don't think you have the strength to be friends with them, don’t be.
That is not a bad thing. You need to gain your happiness back,
DO NOT back-track by keeping them so close in your life.
-Avoid fighting!
-Do what you need on your time, if you want to be friends eventually, keep everything on good terms. Do not speak ill of your ex, do not call him/her names, and tell them you need space to relax and get over them. If they call you often and you are dedicated to getting over the heartbreak and moving on remember: you do not have to pick up the phone if you don’t want to.
-Going from lovers to friends overnight can ruin potential and prevent you from happiness. It will most likely make it worse now and in the long run.
Why?:
When you have deep emotional attachment to someone, and then act like it never happened, or slowly realize you are not happy with being 'just friends' a lot of frustration and confusion can arise. Knowing you are the only one still hung up can be very painful and make you feel worse than you already do. Back tracking is hard in most situations, like going backwards on a bike or remembering where you lost something. It is never easy.
How will it be confusing?:
If you do decide to be friends despite this advice, or you already have agreed to be friends, your ex may talk to you like nothing happened. It may cause an uproar in your mind because you are still craving the love and attention you once recently shared. Also, If your ex is less sensitive than most, they may tell you about new crushes or flings causing severe damage and further heartbreak. On the other hand, your ex could also seem like they still love you and care about you. This can make the letting go process extremely difficult because you feel like there is hope for a future relationship when often times, there is not.
-IF you do ruin the friendship by a tensioned friend attempt right after the breakup, wait it out, give them space and probably with given time you will both agree to reconcile and attempt at a new, different kind of friendship.
#8 Freaking out.
I KNOW. It’s scary. It hurts. It sucks. But try not to allow yourself to look down upon your looks/personality/habits/clothing/items/family life/friends/etc. You are perfect the way you were and still are. Remember, breakups happen to even the best of the best. Keep in mind you are not alone in this, though it may feel like it. Calm down. It is fine. Look around you, feel the air and the weather, try not to focus so much on your feelings (if possible). Try talking to a close friend or family member and always remember people are there to help you. Everyone on this planet is all we will ever know, and everything happens for a reason, though the reason may not seem worthy of the cause. Try writing, reading, going online, going out, watching TV, taking an extra class about something you enjoy, learning a new language, playing a sport, vacation or reading quotes online. (this helped me!!) Life is short, but it is all we know. We are all beautiful and we all suffer somehow.
Know the pain will end.
Because IT WILL.
#9 Blaming yourself.
Unless you cheated or abused your loved one, the root of the problem most likely comes from your ex. It could be fear, personal confusion, family life, friends, commitment issues, ‘player syndrome’. It is not your fault!!!
--Did you cheat on your ex?--
-If you did cheat on your ex, reading this I’m guessing you do feel remorseful and sorry for your actions.
-Remember we are all humans and we all make mistakes. Especially if you cheated on your ex one time, not multiple.
(IF you did cheat multiple times, consider why. Try to avoid doing this in future relationships and if you do, maybe seek counseling or warn your future boyfriend/girlfriend about your past.)
-If you are in the process of winning your ex back, and it is looking good, try and remember this feeling, and use that as motivation to stay faithful to your loved one
-If you are unable to win your ex back, use this feeling as motivation as well, but with future relationships and imagine how much your ex is hurting. Once again, you are not alone in this.
--Did your ex cheat on you?--
-First step:
REFLECT. And no, not on what you could have, should have, would have...Try thinking about why THEY were wrong to hurt you. Imagine if they did come back to you, wanting to try the relationship again...would you really want to be with someone who treated you that way? "Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater."
-Know that there is nothing wrong with you. And DO NOT allow this to make you feel any less, insignificant or not beautiful/good enough. People are not always loyal, and this is not always because of you. Sandra Bullock, voted "most beautiful woman' in 1999 by People Magazine went through something very similar to you.
Now ask yourself, after Sandra went through this hardship did you think any less of her? Did you think she was ugly? Did you think she did something to deserve the pain? Did you think she was insignificant or useless?
I hope your answer is NO.
She is a beautiful woman, and she is proof that pain and suffering happens to even the most beautiful and kind.
--Did you physically and/or emotionally abuse your ex?--
-Get professional help and don’t be ashamed to talk about it with a therapist. Often times abusive partners have problems at home or with self image or depression. You most likely need anger management or long-term therapy to overcome your struggles.
There is no excuse to hit anyone (except in self defense) and you need to find a way to prevent this from happening again. No excuses. This breakup and time to mourn is more to help you heal yourself and learn how to control what you do or say to another person.
-Remember, verbal abuse can be just as negatively effective as physical. Have empathy for your ex, and try to make yourself a better person.
-If you successfully make an effort to help yourself and others, apologize to those you have hurt, accept that you did it, and move on. If you are truly sorry and healed, let go and know that you are remorseful and you can be a better person.
-Maybe try raising awareness after you are healed to teens and young adults about why any form of abuse is wrong.
--Did your ex physicaly and/or emotionally abuse you?--
-#1 thing to remember.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
And you SHOULD NOT feel ashamed. This is in no way your doing, and you should never feel guilt or question if you could have done something to prevent it. Your ex has emotional and/or mental issues that cause he/she to harm you. ie: Anger Problems, bipolar disorder, past family/outsider trauma etc.
-If you feel comfortable to speak with your parents about this issue DO IT. Although you may think you are fine, there is a large possibility you were traumatized during the course of the relationship. This could cause damage in your future relationships.
-If you do not feel comfortable speaking with your parents, contact a counsler/therapist as soon as possible. There are counslers that will work for free or low pay, college therapists on or near campus to work with you, groups around your community and websites you can look on to help you help yourself further. Remember, if you choose (and most often) the therapists will work confidentially and the topics and discussions will be between the two of you only.
-DO NOT GO BACK TO THEM. EVER. Yes, they may say "I'm so sorry. It got out of hand. I'll never touch you again I love you so much." Try your hardest to ignore this and delete the calls or texts. They have a bad habit. DO NOT believe they can break it on their own, your ex will need intense therapy and years of self reflection to break this habit, if ever fully possible.
-STAY STRONG. You are not at fault. You are beautiful.
--If you, a friend or someone you know is being abused in a relationship visit--http://www.loveisrespect.org/
#10 Feeling worthless.
You are not worthless just because the wrong person broke up with you. If someone you love breaks up with you there is just someone out there who will love you more. This too shall pass. And life will go on. And one day, though it seems unrealistic and hard to believe now, you will mean everything to someone. And they will mean everything to you.
Remember!
Your friends and family who love you very much.You exist. You have impacted people many times before, probably without even knowing it.You are capable of getting through this, so you must be worth something.I feel for you, and I am very sorry. It’s common to feel like you wont make it through. Heartbreaks are extremely difficult though not impossible.
You can do this.
NO. DO NOT watch The Notebook and cry over how ‘perfect’ their love is.
Watch movies you love and TV shows that are funny, or mindless.
What helped me?
-Movies-
Fired Up (2009)
Mean Girls (2004)
Jackass 2 (2006)
Band of Brothers (TV mini series, HBO, 2001)
-TV shows-
Friends
Family Guy
The Jersey Shore
The Real World
The Real Housewives
Any sport
(Just mindless, fun tv shows)
#2-Sad Songs.
Alright, yes. You’re sad, so why on Earth are you youtubing that stupid sad song, or that one song you two always listened to?
STOP IT NOW.
You’re nuts, mute that crap.
It’s not helping.
However listening to songs where the artist relates to you
(which can be sad but helpful if it makes you feel better.)
What helped me?
-Songs-
Taylor Swift, Forever and Always
The Script, Breakeven
Taio Cruz, Dynamite
You lost me, Christina Aguilera
Fix you, Coldplay
#3 The Facebook page.
NO. Just no. BLOCK immediately.
I know it’s hard to click that button, but do it.
TRUST ME!!!
Why?
-Looking at his/her page will not help you,
your anxiety probably increases and it never turns out well.
-Blocking is the best way to go because they cannot come up on your news feed through mutual friends and you will not be tempted to ‘stalk’ him/her.
-If they are appearing to get over it faster than you. And show it in status updates, talking on others pictures/walls or begin a new relationship (rebounds! page 6), you want to do everything in your power to avoid obsessively looking at their comments.
-No good will come from staying friends on facebook unless it was a clean, mutual breakup. Which if it was, you probably shouldn’t have to be reading this.
#4 Obsessively calling/texting them.
If you are even thinking about getting back with your ex, avoid scaring them away or overwhelming them with thousands of calls or text messages. Give them the space they have asked for, and give yourself time to think as well.
Things to avoid saying/asking
“I love you.” or “I’m still in love with you.”
Just don’t. Until you 100% know they still love you back. They don’t deserve to hear you say it, and if they are still saying it to you on phone conversations, then search that aspect and get to the root of the cause.Always be civil. Fighting can make the pain worse. Don't be afraid to say you have to go if things are beginning to get too intense.
“Do you have a new boyfriend/girlfriend or a new love interest?”
If you don’t want to know. Do not ask. If you know it will hurt you finding out they do. Do not ask. If it gives you false hope knowing that they don’t. Do not ask.
“Remember that one time...”
It’s not going to go well for the either of you. Sometimes memories aren't fun when feelings change. Try and learn to accept that.
(Usually. there are of course accept-ions for every case.)
How to avoid calling and/or texting-
-Delete their number.
-If you have the number memorized, call your cell phone company and get their number blocked.
-Delete past texts and/or voicemails that remind you of them, or say something sweet. DO NOT reminisce with someone who doesn’t want to reminisce.
-Delete temptations from your phone and computer emails.
#5 Keeping any significant items they gave you in your room.
If you don’t want to go as far as burning the items, or memories you share, then simply hide the items somewhere you know won’t be too much of a temptation to look through. Keep them hidden, possibly in a bag or a small suitcase or box.
What I did...
It took me a long time to gather courage to get rid of my ex’s stuff and certain memories I kept from the relationship. But, the second I had enough strength to throw the items away I did, and I haven’t missed them since. I DO NOT miss smelling his smell on his old shirts or seeing his letters to me. I could have been having the best day and that would drop me to an extremely low level of sadness. It was very freeing to get rid of his stuff, and gave me a sense of power and a say in the breakup.
#6 Talking to your ex’s close friends about it.
A friend is a friend. A bro will but his boys first and a girl will protect her friend before she will protect you. Sometimes they will lie to you, sometimes they will tell you a truth you never wanted to hear. And sometimes they will lie to your ex. This doesn’t mean stop talking to his/her friends for good, this can just mean, watch what you say around them and avoid digging too deep about your ex’s ‘new’ life. Do not let them go ‘media journalist’ on you. Putting false words in your mouth or possibly telling your ex out of context things you may have said.
Try not to tell their friends...
"I hate him/her."
"I will never ever go back to them."
"I’m completely over it"
"I’m still in love with them"
"I can’t live without him/her"
Get it?...Not alotta information about the breakup! Let’s not freak anyone out here, they may not understand what your relationship was or what you may be feeling right now.
#7 Being friends immediately after the break up.
When you are still in love, or still very hurt by your ex, being friends immediately after can often times ruin any chance of potential friendship in the future. If there are grievances, grudges or lingering strong feelings it can prevent a real friendship and cause tension and often times arguments and fighting. Yes, you may want to be around them still. But try to hang out with other people and avoid your ex for a little while until the stronger, emotional feelings subside.
--Tips--
-Do not expect too much from yourself. If you’re honestly not ready to be friends (even if you wish you were) do not push yourself and don’t be angry with yourself.
It’s okay.
-If your ex does the famous “But I still want to be friends, I really care about you and will always love you...Just not like that.” and you do not agree, or you don't think you have the strength to be friends with them, don’t be.
That is not a bad thing. You need to gain your happiness back,
DO NOT back-track by keeping them so close in your life.
-Avoid fighting!
-Do what you need on your time, if you want to be friends eventually, keep everything on good terms. Do not speak ill of your ex, do not call him/her names, and tell them you need space to relax and get over them. If they call you often and you are dedicated to getting over the heartbreak and moving on remember: you do not have to pick up the phone if you don’t want to.
-Going from lovers to friends overnight can ruin potential and prevent you from happiness. It will most likely make it worse now and in the long run.
Why?:
When you have deep emotional attachment to someone, and then act like it never happened, or slowly realize you are not happy with being 'just friends' a lot of frustration and confusion can arise. Knowing you are the only one still hung up can be very painful and make you feel worse than you already do. Back tracking is hard in most situations, like going backwards on a bike or remembering where you lost something. It is never easy.
How will it be confusing?:
If you do decide to be friends despite this advice, or you already have agreed to be friends, your ex may talk to you like nothing happened. It may cause an uproar in your mind because you are still craving the love and attention you once recently shared. Also, If your ex is less sensitive than most, they may tell you about new crushes or flings causing severe damage and further heartbreak. On the other hand, your ex could also seem like they still love you and care about you. This can make the letting go process extremely difficult because you feel like there is hope for a future relationship when often times, there is not.
-IF you do ruin the friendship by a tensioned friend attempt right after the breakup, wait it out, give them space and probably with given time you will both agree to reconcile and attempt at a new, different kind of friendship.
#8 Freaking out.
I KNOW. It’s scary. It hurts. It sucks. But try not to allow yourself to look down upon your looks/personality/habits/clothing/items/family life/friends/etc. You are perfect the way you were and still are. Remember, breakups happen to even the best of the best. Keep in mind you are not alone in this, though it may feel like it. Calm down. It is fine. Look around you, feel the air and the weather, try not to focus so much on your feelings (if possible). Try talking to a close friend or family member and always remember people are there to help you. Everyone on this planet is all we will ever know, and everything happens for a reason, though the reason may not seem worthy of the cause. Try writing, reading, going online, going out, watching TV, taking an extra class about something you enjoy, learning a new language, playing a sport, vacation or reading quotes online. (this helped me!!) Life is short, but it is all we know. We are all beautiful and we all suffer somehow.
Know the pain will end.
Because IT WILL.
#9 Blaming yourself.
Unless you cheated or abused your loved one, the root of the problem most likely comes from your ex. It could be fear, personal confusion, family life, friends, commitment issues, ‘player syndrome’. It is not your fault!!!
--Did you cheat on your ex?--
-If you did cheat on your ex, reading this I’m guessing you do feel remorseful and sorry for your actions.
-Remember we are all humans and we all make mistakes. Especially if you cheated on your ex one time, not multiple.
(IF you did cheat multiple times, consider why. Try to avoid doing this in future relationships and if you do, maybe seek counseling or warn your future boyfriend/girlfriend about your past.)
-If you are in the process of winning your ex back, and it is looking good, try and remember this feeling, and use that as motivation to stay faithful to your loved one
-If you are unable to win your ex back, use this feeling as motivation as well, but with future relationships and imagine how much your ex is hurting. Once again, you are not alone in this.
--Did your ex cheat on you?--
-First step:
REFLECT. And no, not on what you could have, should have, would have...Try thinking about why THEY were wrong to hurt you. Imagine if they did come back to you, wanting to try the relationship again...would you really want to be with someone who treated you that way? "Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater."
-Know that there is nothing wrong with you. And DO NOT allow this to make you feel any less, insignificant or not beautiful/good enough. People are not always loyal, and this is not always because of you. Sandra Bullock, voted "most beautiful woman' in 1999 by People Magazine went through something very similar to you.
Now ask yourself, after Sandra went through this hardship did you think any less of her? Did you think she was ugly? Did you think she did something to deserve the pain? Did you think she was insignificant or useless?
I hope your answer is NO.
She is a beautiful woman, and she is proof that pain and suffering happens to even the most beautiful and kind.
--Did you physically and/or emotionally abuse your ex?--
-Get professional help and don’t be ashamed to talk about it with a therapist. Often times abusive partners have problems at home or with self image or depression. You most likely need anger management or long-term therapy to overcome your struggles.
There is no excuse to hit anyone (except in self defense) and you need to find a way to prevent this from happening again. No excuses. This breakup and time to mourn is more to help you heal yourself and learn how to control what you do or say to another person.
-Remember, verbal abuse can be just as negatively effective as physical. Have empathy for your ex, and try to make yourself a better person.
-If you successfully make an effort to help yourself and others, apologize to those you have hurt, accept that you did it, and move on. If you are truly sorry and healed, let go and know that you are remorseful and you can be a better person.
-Maybe try raising awareness after you are healed to teens and young adults about why any form of abuse is wrong.
--Did your ex physicaly and/or emotionally abuse you?--
-#1 thing to remember.
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
And you SHOULD NOT feel ashamed. This is in no way your doing, and you should never feel guilt or question if you could have done something to prevent it. Your ex has emotional and/or mental issues that cause he/she to harm you. ie: Anger Problems, bipolar disorder, past family/outsider trauma etc.
-If you feel comfortable to speak with your parents about this issue DO IT. Although you may think you are fine, there is a large possibility you were traumatized during the course of the relationship. This could cause damage in your future relationships.
-If you do not feel comfortable speaking with your parents, contact a counsler/therapist as soon as possible. There are counslers that will work for free or low pay, college therapists on or near campus to work with you, groups around your community and websites you can look on to help you help yourself further. Remember, if you choose (and most often) the therapists will work confidentially and the topics and discussions will be between the two of you only.
-DO NOT GO BACK TO THEM. EVER. Yes, they may say "I'm so sorry. It got out of hand. I'll never touch you again I love you so much." Try your hardest to ignore this and delete the calls or texts. They have a bad habit. DO NOT believe they can break it on their own, your ex will need intense therapy and years of self reflection to break this habit, if ever fully possible.
-STAY STRONG. You are not at fault. You are beautiful.
--If you, a friend or someone you know is being abused in a relationship visit--http://www.loveisrespect.org/
#10 Feeling worthless.
You are not worthless just because the wrong person broke up with you. If someone you love breaks up with you there is just someone out there who will love you more. This too shall pass. And life will go on. And one day, though it seems unrealistic and hard to believe now, you will mean everything to someone. And they will mean everything to you.
Remember!
Your friends and family who love you very much.You exist. You have impacted people many times before, probably without even knowing it.You are capable of getting through this, so you must be worth something.I feel for you, and I am very sorry. It’s common to feel like you wont make it through. Heartbreaks are extremely difficult though not impossible.
You can do this.